Fragment #22: “Dear Internet” by Tina Fey

[In this extract from her new memoir Bossypants, Tina Fey responds to some messageboard comments written about her. Fey's comedy is usually very generous, so it's great to see her breaking out the sarcasm and working on some withering put-downs.]

One of my greatest regrets, other than being the Zodiac Killer never learning to tango, is that I don’t always have time to answer the wonderful correspondence I receive. When people care enough to write, the only well-mannered thing to do is to return the gift, so please indulge me as I answer some fans here.

From tmz.com

Posted by Sonya in Tx on 4/7/2010, 4:33 P.M.

“When is Tina going to do something about that hideous scar across her cheek??”

Dear Sonya in Tx,

Greetings, Texan friend! (I’m assuming the “Tx” in your screen name stands for Texas and not some rare chromosomal deficiency you have. Hope I’m right about that!)

First of all, my apologies for the delayed response. I was unaware you had written until I went on tmz.com to watch some of their amazing footage of people in L.A. leaving restaurants and I stumbled upon your question.

I’m sure if you and I compare schedules we could find a time to get together and do something about this scar of mine. But the trickier question is What am I going to do? I would love to get your advice, actually. I’m assuming you’re a physician, because you seem really knowledgeable about how the human body works. What do you think I should do about this hideous scar? I guess I could wear a bag on my head, but do I go with linen like the Elephant Man or a simple brown paper like the Unknown Comic? Too many choices, help!

Thank you for your time. You are a credit to Texas and Viking women both.

Yours,

Tina

P.S. Great use of double question marks, by the way. It makes you seem young.

From Dlisted.com

Posted by Centaurious on Monday, 9/21/2009, 2:08 A.M.

“Tina Fey is an ugly, pear-shaped, bitchy, overrated troll.”

Dear Centaurious,

First let me say how inspiring it is that you have learned to use a computer.

I hate for our correspondence to be confrontational, but you have offended me deeply. To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair. I’ll leave it for others to say if I’m the best, but I am certainly one of the most dedicated trolls guarding bridges today. I always ask three questions, at least two of which are riddles.

As for “ugly, pear-shaped, and bitchy”? I prefer the terms “offbeat, business class–assed, and exhausted,” but I’ll take what I can get. There’s no such thing as bad press!

Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.

Affectionately,

Tina

From PerezHilton.com

Posted by jerkstore on Wednesday, 1/21/2009, 11:21 P.M.

“In my opinion Tina Fey completely ruined SNL. The only reason she’s celebrated is because she’s a woman and an outspoken liberal. She has not a single funny bone in her body.”

Dear jerkstore,

Huzzah for the Truth Teller! Women in this country have been over-celebrated for too long. Just last night there was a story on my local news about a “missing girl,” and they must have dedicated seven or eight minutes to “where she was last seen” and “how she might have been abducted by a close family friend,” and I thought, “What is this, the News for Chicks?” Then there was some story about Hillary Clinton flying to some country because she’s secretary of state. Why do we keep talking about these dumdums? We are a society that constantly celebrates no one but women and it must stop! I want to hear what the men of the world have been up to. What fun new guns have they invented? What are they raping these days? What’s Michael Bay’s next film going to be?

When I first set out to ruin SNL, I didn’t think anyone would notice, but I persevered because—like you trying to do a nine-piece jigsaw puzzle—it was a labor of love.

I’m not one to toot my own horn, but I feel safe with you, jerkstore, so I’ll say it. Everything you ever hated on SNL was by me, and anything you ever liked was by someone else who did it against my will.

Sincerely,

Tina Fey

P.S. You know who does have a funny bone in her body? Your mom every night for a dollar.

From a bodybuilding forum

Posted by SmarterChild, on 2/24/2008, 2:10 P.M.

“I’d stick it in her tail pipe.”

Dear SmarterChild,

Thank you so much for your interest. Whether you meant it in a sexual way or merely as an act of aggression, I am grateful. As a “woman of a certain age” in this business, I feel incredibly lucky to still be “catching your eye” “with my anus.” You keep me relevant!

Sincerely,

Ms. T. Fey

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74 thoughts on “Fragment #22: “Dear Internet” by Tina Fey

  1. Dear Tina,

    I would swim up the Amazon with 45 pound dumbbells tied to my scrotum and Ellen Degeneres’ queef as my air supply if it meant I could eat a sea food dinner with you over skype on a dial up internet connection.

    Yours truly,

    Mike Hunt

  2. Dear Heavenly Blessed Beauty,

    Words can not describe the feeling which pulsated through my erect penis upon viewing a picture of your heavenly blessed anus. I would crawl on my belly over ten thousand miles of burning coals just to sniff a piece of your dirty toilet paper. I would spend my entire life savings just to lick a public toilet that you sat on 3 years ago.

    With Love,
    Trollface.jpeg

  3. Oh heavenly blessed beauty whose sexiness is oh so divine, I would crawl though 4 miles of broken glass to be able to sniff your beautiful pit of the arm

  4. Tina, on our date I expect the following things on my slamwich:
    lettuce (romaine)
    swish cheese (the good deli kind)(not that kraft stuff)
    1/3 inch sliced tomato
    spicy mustard (any kind will do)
    4 sliced turkey meat
    slammed between two crescent rolls.

    and a pickle (no homo)

  5. Tina you are such a heavenly blessed beauty, I would walk across the Sahara desert with a living honey badger firmly inserted in my colon and my only source of water for replenishment would of the sweat off of the balls from the Mexican World cup team just to hear you fart on a walkie talkie.

  6. Thhats too fawwking crazy … cuz i was just about to say..

    I would drag my testicles through 9 miles of glass while Rebecca Black’s “Friday” played on loop over loud speakers if it meant I could wash the car of the mail man who might have touched the stamp Tina Fey’s maid licked to mail her slightly overdue phone bill.

    Forever alone,

    Tommy R.

  7. I’ve had a crush on you for years I would drag my balls through broken glass and burning ashes to hear you fart on a walki talki

  8. ook i dont know you, wish i knew you, gotta met you but honestly your an angel ive never in my life seen a girl with your perfections in my whole life… one day i hope to met you… i cant put into words how stunning you are.. from the looks of it you have no imprections just pure natural cause to be beautiful and make people smile you have looks that will get you far in life and thats alot for me to say one day i hope to have to pleasure to met you your name should be “angel” not Tina cause that word right there describes you all over… thanks again and let me know if you ever want to met you have no flaws in you at all you would make m world the happiest place on earth to met you thank you angel. lets get to know eachother

  9. Oh my sweet gorgeous Tina fey. Given the opportunity, I would create such a sweet melody of love and play it upon your elegant body. Truly, these words, the best which I can provide until the day of our blessed union, are pitiful in comparison. So, when you gonna let me clap dem cheeks?

  10. Tina Fey if you are reading this, don’t be fooled by those “heavenly blessed beauty” comments, they are trolls from an internet forum at BodyBuilding.com (Misc section) They do nothing but talk down on you and say how funny it would be to troll you.

  11. i would go to battle agaisnt a whole family of silverback gorillas wielding only a wiffle ball bat just to have the opportuntiy to split a 5th of vodka with the male nurse that was in the delivery room when you were born

  12. Oh Tina, how lovely you are. If you were the sun I would never want to see darkness. When I see you, you give me something to believe in. A hope that one day you and I will be together. I would destroy thousands of souls just to have you next to me for 5 minutes.

  13. Tina, Your candor here is quite low and I’d like to ask if you’re aware hat there are people in this world that have a severe medical condition which causes them to be that way? My mother for instance is one of those people. She is a truck driver that has bad knees and a bad back from driving the truck but you probably do not care about that case either. Oh well I am not one of those people I am 6’4″ 245lbs and I exercise every day. I would love to see you say something like to my mother in front of me. Probably never happen though you are probably just an internet tough guy. I doubt very seriously you would say that to someones face. Just my thought.What do you think. Oh I am sorry you probably do not have a brain. I on the other hand will be happy to buy you a plane ticket to come here and see if you have the nerve to say that to someone I know.

  14. Oh heavenly blessed beauty,

    I would fight a silver back gorilla with my hands amputated, with Snookie on my back fist pumping my head, to be able to touch one of your soiled panties with my prosthetic hands.

    The (not so) fatchinaman

  15. Oh Tina, when I was gazing at these heavenly blessed photos of your beauty I felt a sudden, panicked urge to grab for my pool floaties, as I was certain I was about to drown in your beauty…

    I too would stick it in yon tailpipe.

    Regards,
    Myron.

  16. Dear Heinie Goddess of the Midnight,

    If you could only know the love my Riesen Schwanz has for your lustily hinter hole resembling that of a warm baked apple pie. I would swoon you with the might of over 9000 ATG squats just so you could spot me. I desire that so, my woman of quadly heaven. My body is ready to no longer be foreveralone.jpg. The first question I would ask of thee would be if I have potential, and afterwards we would elope like a good mans dave job.

    Sincerely yours,
    HerrRiesenSchwanz

  17. ohh sexy tina, could i please put my ever so warm and healthy icing on your tightly pleasing cinnamon ring? that would be a better lunch date than kai greene and a canteloupe.

  18. OK, it looks like a “thing” has developed on this comments thread. There are plenty more comments that are far more obscene than these. I’ve removed some of the more violent, coprophagic fantasies, because Spectacular Attractions is a family show, but I’ve left plenty of other comments in place because I think they make a nice indicator of the kinds of thing Tina Fey talks about in the book: Bossypants is full of bemusement, sometimes frustration, at the gap she feels between her personal/private life and the public persona that everybody else sees and believes, and the lack of control she has over it. What’s funny about ‘Dear Internet’ is that it offers direct, human replies to stuff that is usually supposed to be directed at some abstract public image.

    P.S. Hint: if you’re inventing a fresh email account just so you can anonymously write obsessively freakish comments about a particular celebrity’s sexual organs (not to mention their digestive tracts), you probably should think about finding another hobby.

    • Dan North, I would drag my testicles through 4 miles of glass while Rebecca Black’s “Friday” played on loop over loud speakers if it meant I could wash the car of the mail man who might have touched the stamp Dan North’s maid licked to mail his slightly overdue phone bill.

      Forever alone,

      Bert Stayre

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  22. O Tina the Fey, in worst of the people, you bring out their best.
    And that subtle scar, bringin’ scars back in fashion, ’cause you’re the hott-est.
    Poems are hard to write, don’t know where I am going, with words, I go “duuuuuhhh!”,
    But there’s no one near, when it comes to how awesome, that your beauty is.

    P.S. Daaaaaaaammnnnn!!
    Some weirdo,
    QTPM

  23. Doesn’t she have anything better to do than respond to bad press? I always thought she was beautiful even with that hideous scar across her chops. I hope one day we meet in an elevator and fall in love, oh yeah, that would be sweet, so sweet, so sweet.

  24. Dear people,
    some of your spelings are hilariously wonderful! And for me truly demonstrate the ability of the modern mind, thankyou!

    And as an overview some of you are really creepy and inspired me to tell you.

  25. Dear TIna,
    Roses are red,
    Violets are blue,
    Poetry’s stupid,
    So I’m going to start writing in prose now. Haha ok so I kind of already know that Tina Fey will probably never read this but um, if she does I would just like to apologize for the horrifying comments here. People suck.

  26. Tina Fey you are the best thanks for the laughs. I love your responses to such rude comments. The anus one that was the kicker! Thanks again.

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  28. Ive always seen Tina Fey to be sexy as hell; shes so funny and good at her work. Im a 19 year old male but i watch her old movies and standup to help me become a comedian one day. Stay strong *holds up fist* fight the power. :P

  29. I was very happy to find this great site. I need to to thank you for ones time for this particularly wonderful read!! I definitely loved every part of it and I have you bookmarked to see new things in your blog.

    • Wasn’t the dude’s name Centurion? At the time, I thought it was clear she was ripping on his chosen name, which sounded a lot like something the Hubble might examine.
      I look forward to reading Fey’s book! I don’t look forward to living another day on the same planet as all these scary types, though. Sigh

    • Wait, but those “extremely large objects” are very, VERY small at that distance, correct? I mean, that’s why we can’t see them with the naked eye. So, the Hubble telescope “magnifies” those objects so they can be observed by us a long way away. THUS, her comment made perfect sense. The Hubble telescope would be needed to magnify his genitalia.

      Thank you and goodnight.

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  31. All this “I’d do extreme stuff to shag Tina Fey” commenting is weirding me out. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d definitely LOVE to, but if I scraped my b*lls on something rough beforehand it wouldn’t be that pleasurable.

    But, Tina, if you want to shag a reasonably good-looking and ‘genrous New Zealander .. you know what to do ;)

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  40. after reading what tina wrote in her replies, i would just like to say. scar and everything else i personaly think tina is a very beautiful woman. i mean we all have scars. i think she has a very beautiful face and a great body. and i’ll admit i have many time fantasized about how wonderful it would be to have the wonderful honor to have the chance to make sweet love to her. i will keep it clean. and i also think she is very funny and she keeps me laughing. and i love 30 rock. i hope she keeps on doing what she is doing. and to you people with nasty things to say about her keep it to yourself just because you have no talent don’t lash out at the people who do. that just shows how insecure you really are. i’ll end by saying elizabeth stamatina fey i love you and so does pritty much the rest of the world. i hope you get to read this. your fan peter freedman louisville kentucky

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  42. Img Tina Fey..you are awssome!!I <3 your wit & sarcasm!!!Please keep posting your responses….I appreciate the laughs you provide!!

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