“Same old story. Superhero movie give superhero mirror-image antagonist. Like in Spider-Man 3. Idea rubbish in Spider-Man 3. Idea rubbish here. Hulk versus humanity important thing. Cancelled out here. Basic problem … critic not believe Hulk angry. Hulk just roar. It not look convincing. Not truly seem angry. Critic think about this. Critic decide why. It because Hulk not swear. Hulk just say: “Hulk. Smash” etc. If Hulk shout C-word … different matter. Then Hulk look angry. Sound angry. Not here. Hulk genteel. Critic remember Ang Lee version. Ang Lee version slagged off. Yet rubbish new Hulk film make that look like Citizen Kane. Critic exit cinema miffed. Film take away two hours of critic’s life. Critic not get time back. Ever. Rarrrrr.”
“Come here, girl, I’ll have none of this nonsense, we’re going home. I’m going to grab you by the scruff of your neck, and … oh no! The preternaturally intelligent collie has got away from me again! Determined and lovable creature that she is, she’s wriggled out of my grasp and got back outside the Odeon again! Barking fit to beat the band! Oh for goodness sake you daft canine, just say what you think about these films on offer! Narnia? King Kong? Hmmm … wagging your tail. And what do you think about Lassie? … Oh dear. Has anyone got a plastic bag and some rubber gloves?”
Actually, the one-star review of The Incredible Hulk is just one of four drubbings dished out today to Irina Palm (“awful in the way that somehow only British films can be”), The Happening (“fatuous anti-rational, anti-scientific piece of smuggery”), and Priceless (“gruesomely unfunny and tacky comedy-farce”). Is somebody feeling grumpy?