Hulk Smashed

Peter Bradshaw’s film reviews for The Guardian are a joy to read, especially when he’s writing about something he hates. His latest publication is a hilarious demolition job on The Incredible Hulk, written entirely in a monosyllabic Hulk-speak. Here’s a sample:

“Same old story. Superhero movie give superhero mirror-image antagonist. Like in Spider-Man 3. Idea rubbish in Spider-Man 3. Idea rubbish here. Hulk versus humanity important thing. Cancelled out here. Basic problem … critic not believe Hulk angry. Hulk just roar. It not look convincing. Not truly seem angry. Critic think about this. Critic decide why. It because Hulk not swear. Hulk just say: “Hulk. Smash” etc. If Hulk shout C-word … different matter. Then Hulk look angry. Sound angry. Not here. Hulk genteel. Critic remember Ang Lee version. Ang Lee version slagged off. Yet rubbish new Hulk film make that look like Citizen Kane. Critic exit cinema miffed. Film take away two hours of critic’s life. Critic not get time back. Ever. Rarrrrr.”

It gave me minutes of fun. Almost as good as the time he took Lassie out to the old barn and shot her:

“Come here, girl, I’ll have none of this nonsense, we’re going home. I’m going to grab you by the scruff of your neck, and … oh no! The preternaturally intelligent collie has got away from me again! Determined and lovable creature that she is, she’s wriggled out of my grasp and got back outside the Odeon again! Barking fit to beat the band! Oh for goodness sake you daft canine, just say what you think about these films on offer! Narnia? King Kong? Hmmm … wagging your tail. And what do you think about Lassie? … Oh dear. Has anyone got a plastic bag and some rubber gloves?”

Actually, the one-star review of The Incredible Hulk is just one of four drubbings dished out today to Irina Palm (“awful in the way that somehow only British films can be”), The Happening (“fatuous anti-rational, anti-scientific piece of smuggery”), and Priceless (“gruesomely unfunny and tacky comedy-farce”). Is somebody feeling grumpy?


One thought on “Hulk Smashed

  1. Yes, this is great! I’ve always found Bradshaw a frustratingly temperamental critic though – compare and contrast his courageously glowing responses to ‘Last Days’ & ‘Miami Vice’ with his bizarre scathing attacks on ‘Cafe Lumiere’ and ‘A Prairie Home Companion’. (I’d link to the reviews, but html tagging doesn’t appear to stretch to urls here.)

    I only noticed the entry on Sátántangó a week ago(!) – on the subject of directors establishing minimalist tone and style through opening shots, you’ve seen ‘Silent Light’ by now, right? I was also reminded of the lingering shot of the empty corridor in ‘Distant Voices, Still Lives’, which Davies intended as an introduction to the treatment of time and memory in the film. Another good example is the shifting patterns of light/dark in the first few shots of Guerín’s ‘En la ciudad de Sylvia’ – which I must lend to you anyway.

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